Clarification

I've had a couple of days to kind of cool down and bring myself back to centre.

Unfortunately, one of the major downsides of this disease and the treatment I am currently receiving is that my moods swing from bouncing off the walls happy, to bouncing off the padded walls crazy.

It's no secret I've been completely overwhelmed by the last few months, and this latest admission was somewhat the straw that broke the camels back (if you will).

To add to that, I've never had the feelings of others to consider when I've been dealing with the stresses of this disease - and by that, I mean I haven't had the support that I have nowadays, so I was used to withdrawing and dealing in my own way, at my own time - and it never affected anyone else.

 

It's come to light (and quite unfortunately, too) that there are people who not only care about myself and this whole situation, but who also care very much for the other people in my life who are involved in this struggle.

It's a blessing to know I am not alone, but it's heartbreaking when you learn that you can inadvertently cause undue stress and worry by some over enthusiastic venting.

 

If you are reading this now, you will know I am talking to you, and I wish to offer my apologies and reassurances. I know it's already been discussed, but I feel the need to personally apologise and clarify where I was, mentally and emotionally, at the time I wrote the entry that this is in relation to.

First off, let me just say that I could never, ever do anything to harm myself or give up like that.

When I wrote that particular post which would suggest I might be inclined to do so, I was in an extraordinarily defeated headspace.

I was feeling upset, heartbroken, let down and increasingly frustrated towards finding myself in this position, yet again.

What I was (very poorly) trying to convey was that, on a mental and emotional level, I am completely wiped out.

I'm so tired of having to put on the brave face and keep truckin' on.

I resent the fact that I've coped this long, all whilst maintaining a smile and sense of humor, because I feel as though it takes away from the severity of the situation at hand. I mean, who could possibly suffer as much as I say I do, all whilst laughing and joking?

Some days I would really, really like to play the victim - but then who am I to complain? It could be so much worse. I would really like to behave like I am as hard done by as I feel I am some days.

 

I am so scared for my daughter.

What if she grows up with Endometriosis?

I hope to God that it will not be as hard for her as it has been for me.

I hope she will know the joy of carrying a child and learn of and experience the pure, unbridled joy and love that being a Mother brings.

 

I hope she doesn't resent me.

 

It is because of Eden that I know I must keep fighting.

It is because of Eden that I know I must raise as much awareness as possible.

It is because of Eden that I know I must keep smiling.

 

It is because of Eden that I DO keep fighting.

It is because of Eden that I WILL keep raising awareness.

It is because of Eden that I DO keep smiling.

 

She is my joy. My heart. My life. My world.

 

It is because I am a mother that I can understand and appreciate your concern and why I have deemed it necessary to clarify.

It is because I care.

Because I care about him, and by proxy, yourself.

 

 

Love and Sunshine,

 

 

Serenity

Xx

 

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