To you, from me.

Dearest Endo, 

We've known each other for quite some time now, and I haven't really known how to tell you how I feel.

I keep second guessing myself, as I am afraid of what might happen if I tell you the truth.

 

For a long time I have ignored my feelings towards you, figuring that by doing so, you might leave me alone. Case in point: When you ignore the negative behaviour of a small child, eventually they will recognise that good behaviour is what gets rewarded and not the naughty stuff.

 

I have come to the end of my rope though and I can't ignore this any more.

 

I hate you.

Completely, utterly and undisputedly fucking hate you.

 

You have ruined, and continue to ruin my life.

You have taken away so much from me and you're still not content.

I have worked my ass off trying to build myself back up from the ruins you left me in, and you have seen that I have made headway and you have been intent on tearing down the walls I've built, exposing me and the mess I am in, leaving me feeling alone.

Vulnerable.

Naked.

 

You seem to thrive on making life hell for me, and when you realised that I was forgetting about you and was making something of myself, you fought harder than ever before to make sure I would never quite make it.

 

You have made it impossible for me to be in an adult relationship, because as soon as I form one, i quickly becomes a relationship between an invalid and a caregiver.

 

How much more do I have to lose before you have satiated your appetite?

How much more suffering must I go through before you are happy?

 

More than anything, I want to tap out and let you win. I cannot be bothered dealing with you and your baggage any longer.

 

I want to be a normal 24 year old. A normal mother. A normal girlfriend. A normal friend, daughter, niece. A normal woman.

Is it so wrong to just want to live a relatively normal life?

 

I am sick and tired of dancing to your tune.

I don't want to dance anymore.

I am exhausted.

 

Please.

Please.




Just.

Please.




I can't do this any more.

 

You win.

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