It's a new dawn, it's a new day and I'm feeling..... Average.

Happy New Year!

(I'm a bit late, I know - But better late than never!) 

I would like to apologise for letting this whole blogging thing slide (yet again) and being so slack with updates - Truth be told, there's not been much worth reporting... Well, certainly nothing of note. Just more of the same ol', same ol'.

I was, however, lucky enough to enjoy a lovely break away in Queenstown where I forced myself to put all the drama aside and just be free.
I may have forced a little too hard and pushed the limits just a little too much, and whereas I paid for it dearly, I never once let on that I was in agony or exhausted.
I didn't want a trip away to be limited or dictated by my suffering.
And it didn't!
I got to experience some things that I'd likely never have had a chance to experience if I hadn't decided to wear my Big Girl Panties

For someone who is a native Kiwi/New Zealander, I am seriously ashamed of the fact I've never seen the true extent of New Zealand's beauty by venturing outside of Wellington.
Sure, I've done the odd trip to Taupo or Auckland, but they were always for specific reasons, never to just sit back and enjoy everything there is to offer.
I was so taken aback by Queenstown and Wanka. I never wanted to leave.
I have vowed to return as often as possible - And I think the next time will be when everything is covered in snow.

Christmas and New Year was delightfully quiet.
I cooked my first Christmas Dinner... In my underwear.

Put it this way, it was the hottest day that Wellington has seen since 1934, coupled with my normal (how sad is it that I can now say that?) hot flashes, all whilst slaving over a hot stove for 3 hours.
Was I hot? Yeah, you could say that... If you are proficient in understatements.

It was so hot in fact, that at the end of it all, I was too exhausted and hot to enjoy the fine spread I had put forth.

New Years Eve was spent indulging in a *gorgeous* bottle of wine whilst Skyping my Dad in the UK.
Me? Oh, I'm I total party animal.

On the health front, I have been... Well... I don't know.
I've not experienced any marked improvement.

I had a follow-up appointment on the 24th (yes, Christmas Eve) which was supposed to give me an indication as to where we were going to be heading treatment wise.
I was really hoping that armed with four substantial hospital admissions, three of which whilst on Zoladex, was going to add weight to my case and prompt them to look further into treatment options.
I could not have been more wrong.

I came out of the appointment feeling (surprise, surprise) overwhelmingly let down.
Not only did I not see my specialist - I was graced instead, with a visit from one of his lame excuses for an associate registrar - but the twat was going to discharge me from Gynae.
Dishcarge. Me. From. Gynae.

To add insult to injury, when I resisted and said that under no uncertain terms was I going to accept being palmed off to the Chronic Pain Team (who, bear in mind, I have been working closely with for the last four years) he then went off to speak to my specialist, then came back and delivered to me the *exact* same plan as my initial appointment in September.
Verbatim.
''So, we're going to do three months of the Zoladex, then come back and establish where to from there''.

Hang on.
Hang on just a God-damned-bloody minute.
I have just told you, which you would already know if you had read the f***ing notes, that I have had a further three admissions, all 6-10 days long since my initial jab of Zoladex.
That's once a month!
Each admission is due to worsening pain... That means, my pain has increased with each jab.
Let us not forget that each admission has occured within five days of me having the jab administered.
Clearly this method of treatment is not working, yet you're going to sit here and tell me that we will continue for another three months?

Sure.

Merry fucking Christmas to you too, you muppet.

I think it would be fair to say that the day before Christmas, I was feeling anything but merry.

I also had to help him complete the medical certificate I required to take into Work and Income in order to receive a Sickness Benefit - And I have just found out that he didn't even do that right.

I should also add, that right on cue, two days after receiving round four of the Zoladex, I wound up back in the A&E... And guess who the Gynae Registrar was?
And then guess who then discharged me without treating me?

Honestly.  
Please.
Someone give this guy a scalpel, because I'm sure he couldn't butcher me any more than he already has.

I am a couple of weeks out from receiving my fifth round of Zoladex, and I can honestly say I do not feel in the slightest bit better.

If anything I feel worse.
And to add to the total head-f*** that is my situation, I have been experiencing horrendous pregnancy symptoms identical to those I experienced with my Daughter.
I am absolutely 110% not pregnant.
The two rounds of peeing in a jar and also having blood HCG levels tested proves this fact.

It might sound cruel to those who are trying to conceive, but words cannot even describe the level of relief.
On the flipside of that, it further emphasised the fact that when and if the time comes, I will almost definitely have a struggle in conceiving - And that upset me.

I'm trying to find the positives in my plight, and it's a daily struggle to try and find those.

I have, however, decided to be proactive and do something to pay it forward.
I had always planned on adding to my current bicep tattoo, to create what I am referring to as my 'Endo Arm'.
Both my arms, but particularly my left, are covered in scars from IV lines. My veins are so shot, that one of my favourite nurses has told me that anyone who didn't know my history could be forgiven if they assumed I was a Junkie.
I want to detract from that and create a work of art and something that I can be proud of and something that tells my story.

I currently have ''Trust your struggle'' in Braille along my left bicep.
It comes from the quote: Pain breeds strength. Trust your struggle.
I remind myself of this every day.

Endo Warrior

So, I will be building on that, and adding a whole bunch of stuff that is special and symbolic to me and is representative of my journey with Endo.
I have been lucky enough to have found an artist (the same one who did my Braille) who has offered to tattoo me for free.

(He is amazing too - I am in love with his asthetic - check him out: http://gilltattoo.co.nz/portfolio/category/gallery)

Tattoo's aren't for everyone, so I completely respect and understand why something like this might not be up their alley, but I adore them. I've always had a love affair with tattoo artistry and if I was more artistically inclined, I have no doubt I would aspire to be a tattoo artist.

Seeing as my tattoo artist has been so unbelievably genereous in his offer, I have decided to set myself a goal of raising $800 (more if possible) for Endometriosis New Zealand. An organisation which has been of unbelievable support and assitance to me and many, many other sufferers of Endo.

If you click on the widget below, it will take you directly to the site - And any donations go straight to Endo NZ... Nothing passes my desk.
(And it's even tax deductable - So you can claim on it if you so desire)

Any help would be more than appreciated, as these guys are a 'Not for Profit' organisation and they really do make all the difference.

I'm not asking to find a cure. I'm just asking for help.

Let's start this year on a good note


Love and Sunshine,


Serenity