"...this ain't the way it's supposed to be..."

".... It's like a heatwave"
But instead of burning through my heart, it's my damned head that is suffering from a perpetual heatwave.

Menopause sucks.

These days, what I hate even more than menopause, is people saying "Oh, wow. You look so much better than expected". Bit of a back handed compliment.
I'd actually rather someone said "Oh man, I'm so happy you don't look like shit, like I thought you would".
As a sufferer of a disease which very few understand and which has very few, if any, external indicators, if I look 'OK' then I must be fine and I'm just complaining for the sake of attention.

Whenever I'm in hospital, God forbid should I decide to put on my War Paint. Asides from the few nurses that I have become extremely close with in the last few years, anyone else who comes across me, be it doctors, nurses, custodians or fellow patients, the general response is "You look so much better, you must be so happy to be going home" or "You look great, we'll start the discharge process and get you off home".

Do I really have to look as awful as I feel, just to be taken seriously? That just seems cruel.
We have the Look Good, Feel Great campaigns for female Cancer patients - And I am not for one minute saying that they don't deserve it, or that my affliction as is bad as thiers - All I'm saying is, when you feel that disgusting, sometimes a coat of mascara, some colour on the cheeks and a bit of lippy can be enough to perk you up and help you face the day and give you a bit of confidence back.

(For the record, Look Good, Feel Great is a programme which I highly, highly respect and admire and have, on many occassions, tried to become involved. Due to my own personal circumstances though, I have been unable to help to date)

For someone like myself who has given up and lost so much as a result of my Endo, my confidence is all but destroyed. My self esteem is all but non-existant, and I wouldn't know the meaning of the term 'self-love', let alone practice it.

Maybe it's shallow and superficial, but painting my face helps me see the day through - It's all about putting up a front - I'm fairly confident that if you looked in the mirror and saw the face on the left, you'd want to do something about it, too. Am I right?

Maybe I shouldn't have to put up that facade, but the truth is, very few people have the understanding, or the patience to understand what it is that is being dealt with. So, with that, I have no choice but to get on with it.
Not only that, but I don't want to have to stop and explain why my face and skin look that way, or why I'm so miserable

This blog has been sorely neglected the past two months, and with only two blog post to dates, I'm not entirely sure you could even give it the title "Blog".

The last two months have been really rather difficult.

I have just been discharged from yet another nine day hospital stay, and I also had a five day stay in early October - Three substantial hospital stays in three months. Seems a bit absurd, really.
You begin to wonder when they'll get the picture.
Well, I think they finally have.

I'm going to briefly rewind to the specialist appointment I had on the 25th Sept, the one I was really nervous about.
I found myself pleasantly surprised by the outcome of said appointment.
My specialist, Dr Tait, is incredibly empathetic and understanding for a male doctor, certainly much more so than a lot of the female doctors I've seen in the past - Seems ironic, no?

He is genuinely as intent and eager to find a solution as I am, and has a way about him which makes you feel extremely calm and confident.
We discussed my options, which if you remember from previous posts were either having my ovaries removed, or using Zoladex to put me into menopause.

After the first hospital stay in August, I was under the impression that is was either one or the other - What they failed to explain to me was how Zoladex would be beneficial in terms of aiding the decision to remove ovaries later on down the track.
The basic jist of it being, if they temporarily shut down my reproductive system (thus putting me into menopause) they would would be able to ascertain whether removing my ovaries would actually be the answer.

Dr Tait was very firm with his stance on Hysterectomy or, in my case, Oopherectomy in someone my age. He had said that, provided the Zoladex was effective in relieving my symptoms, we would begin the waiting process to have my right ovary removed.
In someone my age, he's very much about the 'gently, gently' approach.
With the vast majority of my issues stemming from my right ovary, his hope was that by removing the offending ovary, we would be able to kiss goodbye my recurring issues - Maybe not completely, but most certainly lessen the severity of them.

However, I have just today had my third round of Zoladex, and since the 25th of September I have had two more admissions and my symptoms have only worsened... considerably.

This now leaves us at a cross-roads, as the Zoladex is quite clearly not doing what we were hoping.
Am I successfully in menopause?
Well shit.
You better believe I am. I feel like a fucking child again - I'm a complete mess. I'm having to reteach myself the basic fundamentals of living, ha!
Just yesterday I had a rather embarrassing battle with a door, as I seemingly forgot how to successfully open and walk through it.
I am just infinitely grateful for the fact I was home by myself at the time... As it promptly saw me burst into tears out of sheer frustration and stupidity.

SO.
With that revelation, we're back to the drawing board.
It is now looking as though the only viable option is to have everything, and I mean everything, removed.
Ovaries, uterus and quite possibly, cervix. 
(With a bit of luck, my cervix hasn't been too badly ravaged by the Endo and they'll be able to leave it there - I do not want to be worrying about a prolapsed bajingo on top of everything else)        
The reason for taking it to this extent is to remove all the affected tissue and the offending organs which cause this dastardly disease - Thus hopefully ending my plight.
Of course I would have other issues to worry about afterwards, like the possibilty of adhesions, hormone replacement and all the wonderful little freebies that come along with early menopause (increased risk of cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis and bone density issues, 50% increase in the chance of breast cancer in relation to the HRT, to name but a few)

It seems stupid to get wound up about it again, but I got used to the idea of only being short of one ovary.
I'd have been able to carry a child, possibly even conceive naturally... But if this total hysterectomy goes ahead, well... I can kiss that opportunity goodbye.

I think the thing I find most frustrating about my situation right now, is that I know for a fact that pregnancy can help hugely in alleviating Endometriosis (provided you're actually able to conceive), but at this point in time, I'm not in a position to be getting pregnant, let alone considering it.
So I have to establish whether I want to grin and bear it until such time as I am, or just get it over and done with and look at other options later on down the track.

Just when you think you've got everything sorted and you're happy with the decisions you've made, yet another curve ball gets thrown your way.
I was getting good at catching these curve balls and tossing them back to the pitcher, but at this present point in time (and you can blame it on menopause or a general feeling of not giving a fuck any more) these curve balls keep hitting me. 
Smack, bang in the ovaries, head and heart - Where it hurts the most.


Until next time,


Love and Sunshine,


Serenity
xx