The Five P's

Prior Preparation Prevents (a) Piss Performance.



I am a total information whore. I will explore the breadths and depths of the Interwebs and bleed Google dry of all information pertaining to the topic of interest at that moment.

As you can well imagine, my recent search history includes: Bilateral Salpingo Oopherectomy, Hysterectomy, Zoladex, topless Ryan Gosling, early age Menopause, hot flushes (see also: 'topless Ryan Gosling'), 'Taken 2' release dates, holistic alternatives for treatment of Endometriosis, Menopause symptoms, egg harvesting and/or donation, IVF, surrogacy and Gynaecological Specialists throughout the Lower North Island of New Zealand.


I have been looking at ways to alleviate any/all symptoms associated with Menopause, as at this stage in the game, "The Change" [insert ominous tones here] is the only real certainty that I have to look forward to.

Whether it is temporary or otherwise, it's happening, and it's happening soon. And you can bet your ass I'm going to be prepared for it.

I want to be so well prepared that Menopause thinks "Pfft, bugger this. This chick isn't having a bar of it. May as well go back to the waiting lounge and have a few more Bloody Mary's".

I put the call out on Facebook and multiple forums, asking what kinds of things people suggested for treatment of pre, peri and post menopausal symptoms, and asides from a few weird amd exotic sounding herbs and supplements, for the most part, it's down to lifestyle and the support system you have around you.

As I type this, I am furiously working away at my Kegels, after reading that incontinence is a symptom of menopause.

This worries me greatly, as I am not too ashamed to say that my bladder is pretty weak as it is, and the thought of merely sneezing, coughing, farting (as that is also a symptom - flatulence - Oh joyous be this day!), or quite possibly all three simultaneously and having a 'whoopsy' moment, is frankly rather terrifying.

There's a brand of incontinence pads in the U.S called "Serenity Guards" - I should consider buying shares.

I have other great delights to look forward to, such as:

• Hot flashes, flushes and/or cold sweats
• Night sweats
• Irritability and mood swings
• Loss of libido and vaginal dryness
• Aching joints
• Headaches and/or migraines
• Fatigue
• Hair loss or thinning on head, pubic (well that saves on waxing) or whole body.
• Increase in facial hair... Luckily for me, I already know I look hot with a goatee.

Want to know more? Visit www.34-menopause-symptoms.com

As I mentioned, and as with most things, these symptoms can be eased by simply (I use that term loosely) maintaining a healthy diet, lifestyle and perspective.

I am terrible. I love food. I love cooking and I love eating - yet I am notorious for skipping meals and then binging out (generally on all the *wrong* foods).

I used to be really good and be at the gym regularly as well as going for daily runs/walks. I was feeling great within myself and proud of the fact that she who once cringed at the thought of any form of physical exertion was actually being active and working my ass off (quite literally) and enjoying it. Eventually, life got in the way and I found my trips to the gym becoming less and less frequent, and as winter approached, I stopped running/walking altogether.

After the most recent admission, I realised that I probably could've avoided such a massive flare up had I just taken the time to be selfish and look after myself. Instead, I became so focused on establishing my career that I was taking on more work than I should've and wound up running myself into the ground.

My insatiable need to please and help everyone meant that I was unable to say 'no' whenever I was asked to take on board a new project, and between those projects, working full time, enjoying my new relationship, studying, mothering, moving 5 times in 8 months as well as the general stresses of life, I found myself feeling more and more run down and exhausted.

The first thing to suffer was my studies. I had to withdraw from them to ease my load, as it was more important to focus on working and making a living so that I could support myself and my daughter.

The next was the custody arrangement between Edens father and I - this isn't information I give up easily, but I'm hoping it puts things into a bit of perspective - I have wound up handing full custody to her father, as I was working so hard to establish a career and a financial backing to be able to provide for Eden. But I was also struggling with parenting by myself - in hindsight, I realise that this is probably because I wasn't confident in myself or my abilities.

I am well aware that finances aren't the only factor in being a good parent, but it was more than that. I wanted her to be proud of me, for all the hard work I was putting in to make something of myself so that we could have a brighter future. However, with the crazy hours I was pulling and my physical and mental health rapidly declining, I did what I thought was the best thing for her. I put her in the care of her Father, where he had a stable environment for her, one she was comfortable and familiar with.

It breaks my heart every single day that I am without her. I miss her terribly and I feel like an awful parent.

I fear she will resent me when she's older, and think that I abandoned her.

I hate myself for giving up so easily.

In parenting, you put your child/ren first. I am terrified that by making the decisions I made, I have broken that one rule and have been supremely selfish.

I digress.

In a bid to prepare myself for menopause, I am embarking on a lifestyle overhaul.

I have dropped a lot of my work commitments (begrudgingly), vowed to eat healthier (and regularly), have squeezed back into my illicitly tight workout gear and laced up my running shoes. I have promised to spend more time focussing on the wellbeing of myself, my daughter and those I love. I am remaining well informed about all things pertaining to my ailment and am starting to feel a bit brighter about what lay ahead of me.

I am still terrified and I have moments where I have a bit of a meltdown, but I guess that's to be expected.

Menopause just seems so final. If I do go the route of having my ovaries removed (which is my preference) that means I will never naturally conceive a child ever again. I am so very, very blessed to have my Weenie Bugaloo and I thank The Powers That Be for the miracle that is my child. This gorgeous, bright, spunky little person was given to me, but I feel so bad for the world knowing that I can't offer them any more ridiculously awesome kids. I try to console myself that between my daughter and I, it might just be too much awesome for the world to handle, but it'd be nice to think there is room for at least one more.

Sure, there is the possibility of IVF, but to use harvested eggs (be it my own or donated) yields only a 25-30% chance of a successful conception - that's not even factoring in the damage caused to the lining of my womb as a result of the Endo.

Do I feel hard done by? Yeah, I'm not going to lie - I do feel a bit hard done by. However, this is the hand I've been dealt - its not desirable, by any means of the imagination. But this illness is not me, it's not who I am. It is not what defines me.

It was when I made this realisation that I sat down to think about what does define me. Who is Serenity?

I was quite saddened by the answers I came up with - there were a few home truths that I didn't really want to admit to. I have come to realise that I have to change the way I think about myself, as my toxic thoughts are more than likely manifesting themselves in a physiological manner.

I work with a guy who is a firm believer in spirituality and the likes, and having a casual chat with him made me understand that the whole philosophy of Karma is actually quite relevant to my situation. You really do get back what you put in. If I am stuck in this perpetually negative thought process and consider myself to be all the shitty things I consider myself to be, then it makes sense that I will undoubtedly and repeatedly draw the short straw in the Game of Life.

If I keep cocking up left, right and centre, then of course it's going to come back to me tenfold.

How exactly do you change that? I know there's no switch you can flick. It takes time. And willingness.

But, am I really ready, willing and able to see myself in the way I want to be seen by others?

This is something I need to come to terms with and seriously work on. Until a shift in the way I perceive myself has been made, then I can't go much further. Until I understand and truly believe that I'm not a lost cause, and that I am capable of doing all the things that I want to be able to do, then how can I honestly expect to overcome this and make it out the other side.

The first step is knowing what you need to do.

The next step is to do it.

If only it were that easy.

Love and Sunshine.

Serenity

Xx

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The all important introduction.

Oh, why hello.

I see you found me.

Well, that's a stupid thing to say, as the likely situation here is that I linked this to you, and after all my banter on Facebook, you felt a moral obligation to follow through on your word when you said you'd be interested in reading a blog by yours truly.

I figure at this stage, if, for some reason, you don't know me (or much about me) I should get all the formalities aside and do a quick introduction.

(This is where one of those "Hi! My name is....." badges would come in handy)

So, without further ado, let me introduce myself:

I'm Serenity.

I am 24 and reside in Wellington. I have a 4yr old daughter (Eden) who is the absolute bomb-diggy, a pretty rad boyfriend (Dan) who, by some miracle, keeps me grounded yet floating on air. I have an extreme addiction to Pad Thai, I absolutely love my job as a Beauty Therapist and Makeup Artist and and I have a ridiculously unhealthy obsession with Pinterest and Instagram (*sigh* God bless modern technology and the interwebs).

Ah, yes...

I also suffer from retarded hormonal bullshit which screws me over, time and again *cough* Endometriosis.

(see: http://www.femalehealthmadesimple.com/FileThirteenFinal.html for a fairly simple explanation)

Endometriosis is a disease which I have struggled with hugely for the past 4 years. Now, I am under no disillusions whatsoever, as I am well aware that I am pretty lucky in my struggle in comparison to some women out there - but this isn't about them, this is about me.

I have reached a junction now, where I have one of two options:

1. Menopause
2. Menopause

Let me think --- Wow, shit... Ok... Decisions, decisions.

You know what, I think I'll go for the Menopause option.

I should probably enlighten you all with some backstory here (and this is where it might get a bit heavy on the TMI).

I had always been pretty lucky when it came to my periods. Mine started when I was twelve, and with the exception of having to go through the checkout with a hefty supply of pads, tampons and panty liners on a regular basis, there was really nothing particularly bad or uncomfortable about it (unless the checkout operator happened to be like, OMG, a totally cute guy or something, ya'know? OMG, like, shame!)

Sure, there was some mild cramping that was undesirable, raging hormones and a few mortifying moments where standing up from your desk chair was just not an option - AT. ALL.

Fuck, if anything, I felt pretty damn shit hot knowing that I was now a 'woman', while the rest of my friends were desperately hanging out for their arrival of 'Aunt Flow'. To be fair though, they had boobs - something I had to wait a few more years for *sigh*. While they had molehills, I had mosquito bites (at best).

Things continued ticking along nicely, without too much cause for concern, right up until I fell pregnant with my little diva demon darling, Eden.

It wasn't until my menses returned that things started to go pear shaped (and by that, I'm not necessarily referring to my now-smaller-breasts and much-wider-hips). I didn't think anything of it at first because I just assumed that, seeing as I hadn't had a period in roughly 18 months, of course it was going to come back with a vengeance - Mother Nature is a bitch like that... I mean, it's not like recovering from a cesarean and adjusting to life with a newborn is hard enough. Ooooh, I know, let's throw in incessant, heavy bleeding and cramps which would knock the wind out of a windy thing. Fuck. You, Mother Nature. Sideways.

Whereas it wasn't the greatest to deal with, I didn't so much as give it a second thought. I had read that prolonged bleeding and cramping is to be expected, but after 34+ days of non-stop bleeding and pains which seemed to be getting increasingly worse, I had a gut feeling something wasn't quite right.

After consulting with my GP on a few separate occassions, he confirmed my suspicions and referred me to a gynaecological specialist at Wellington Hospital --- And so begins the tale of medical swings-and-round abouts.

Fast forward three years, 11 hospital admissions ranging anywhere from four to ten days long (seven of which were a result of going through A & E, three of those seven occassions being a lights and sirens ambulance ride - I know how to make an entrance, that's for sure) and four surgeries - the first one being November of '09, which was when I was finally diagnosed as having Endo, and that brings us to today.

(NB: At a later date I'll go a bit more through the diagnostic process and all the methods I have tried in a bid to alleviate my symptoms)

My most recent hospital stint was an 8 day stay, starting on the 6th August. It was there that the realisation was made, finally, that maybe it was time to start considering more long-term, even permanent, solutions.

Now, obviously having lady-bits removed at such a young as is not something you want to have to consider. I think it's probably fair to say that having lady-bits removed at any age is something we would all like to avoid thinking about.

The fact is, Endometriosis has ruined almost every facet of my life.

• I have lost two jobs as a direct result of this total bitch of a disease.
• It played a massive role in the demise of my relationship with Eden's Dad
• It has affected my ability to parent as well as I would like to, as I am unable to be that carefree, active Mummy that Eden deserves. Instead, she's lumped with a Mother who lacks energy, is grumpy and winces every time she runs up to give me a big hug or climbs into my lap for cuddles. And when she sees me upset, her automatic response is "Do you have to go to the hostible again, Mummy?". As morbid as it sounds, if I were to die tomorrow, I don't want that to be how my child remembers me.
• It's taken a toll on my social life as I don't have the confidence I used to, nor do I have the energy to go out and socialise.
• I become a financial burden to those around me, as the minute I am struck down and unable to work... Well, as sad as it is, bills don't pay themselves. And as much as it pains me to say, I don't have the luxury of a financial buffer if the shit hits the fan.
• My self esteem is absolutely shot to pieces. I feel like its easier to keep people at arms length because I don't want to drag them down with me and risk hurting them in the process. I feel like a terrible Mum, a bad friend, a bad employee, an undesirable partner. I am scarred up and bloated, my cute little inny belly button is now manky and weird thanks to all the laparoscopic surgeries and I just... Well, frankly, I feel disgusting.

I can't afford to live with this constant uncertainty as to when I'm next going to be struck down by a flare up of this utter bitch of a disease - I can't afford it emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. And the only way to ensure it doesn't keep taking me down is to remove the root of the problem - in this instance, my ovaries.

So, whether that gets done by way of a drug called Zoladex (which shuts down your ovaries, putting you into a temporary menopause) or by going the whole hog and removing my ovaries completely... Well, that's where we're at now.

I don't know what to do.

I thought I was prepared for this, I thought I knew.

Turns out I was wrong.

I am fucking terrified, to say the least.

So!

After that extremely long winded introduction, I shall allow your undoubtedly weary eyes to rest.

I hope you stay with me to follow what will undoubtedly be a long, curious adventure with more plot twists than [insert movie of your choice here].

Love and Sunshine

(because that's how my Mamma always signs her cards and it makes my heart smile)

Serenity

Xx

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